Desperately Seeking Susan

Lately, I have left a trail of tears in numerous locations. So much so that I bet most of the restaurants in the Baltimore area probably think that Chris either beats me or that my closest friend just died. These tears spring up randomly and sometimes I am overwhelmed by the intensity in which they flow and linger.

This occurrence can only be because of the 11 months of monthly cycles that follow the routine pattern of disappointment, building excitement, a super long two week wait ~ just to be greeted with disappointment and a trash can full of minus signs once again.

For those, who are not in the know ~ Chris and I have found ourselves in the “space in-between” being happily childfree and mature enough to attempt to rear just one well-balanced Homosapien.

My Promise this Month:
1. I will try to replace my complaints with smiles.
2. I will not be jealous of those surrounding us that have reached their own goals in the reproduction department.
3. I will carry on with our action plan without cracking under all the internal pressure I have placed upon myself.

Count down…. three more cycles and then we will gracefully leave this rat race and embrace another.

We’ve entered the whirl-wind of reproduction vs. adoption phase of marriage.

And contrary to what I was told at 15 ~ it’s not as easy to get pregnant as my mother claimed during my ragging hormonal phase in high school NOR is it easy to adopt because of the process, hoops and financial planning.

We’ve been “trying” since august and never in my life have I been so frustrated and disappointed.

We’ve embraced the idea of adoption early in this mission because we both feel as if adoption fits our values, views and purpose in life.  However financially we are torn between waiting for our own baby to surface or loving a possible son or daughter brought into this world via a birth mother.  If money weren’t the issue we would be embracing domestic adoption 100% at this time.

With that said, I’m grateful that we still can adopt if we don’t become pregnant by end of summer but that doesn’t ease the monthly disappointment that I’ve become accustom to in trying to create our own healthy ~10 fingers / 10 toes.

Clearly, there are pro’s and con’s to both options but cycle after cycle I am starting to believe that my body doesn’t care for the 9 month womb idea.  Which is fine with me personally but bank statement wise it doesn’t seem to fit into our current budget.

So, in efforts to balance my down spirits and avoid the financial dilemma attached to the adoption route ~ I’ve been going to the gym 2-3 times a week with a trainer and been trying to balance out my qi with my acupuncturist.  In addition, I’m gradually eliminating stressors in my life and trying to reframe my outlook about this relatively new mind set.

Fingers-crossed that we discover answers or a positive pee-strip soon!

I don’t know how long I can go on with this constant phase of wonder met with disappointment ;(

chris and i have been riding our bikes around town like the local dutch residents. it’s amazing the things they transport on their bikes. so in efforts to keep up we decided to bring our groceries back via bikes this evening. on the way we stopped for some fresh mint tea (me) and jupiler beer for chris. my flimsy plastic bag of groceries broke so chris strapped some items to my bike as i paid our bill. i heard him chuckle in the background as he secured our goods, but didn’t think much of it because that’s a common occurrence with him. he did however say “when you get on don’t lean back too much”.

when i walked over to my bike this is what i found…

our toilet paper, a cucumber and jam neatly strapped to the back of my bicycle!!!

was he trying to tell me something or is that the best he could do in efforts to transport our groceries back to the houseboat???

luckily for me,  we were really close to the house so i didn’t have to encounter any strange xxx rated looks….